Sustaining desire
« At the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. »
INSPIRED BY :
ESTHER PEREL
psychotherapist
author of
Mating in Captivity, The State of Affairs
host of the podcast
Where should we begin?
This is the first time in the history of humankind
we are trying to experience sexuality not in the short but in the long term.
And we do so not because it is marital duty or to make sure some of our children survive,
but for the mere connection and pleasure we share with another human.
However, there seems to be a crisis of desire.
“What is desire?” you’ll ask.
Desire is owning the wanting,
it’s an expression of our individuality, our free choice, our preferences, our identity.
We want more sex but generally what we mean is that we want it to be better.
We want to reconnect with that energy, that aliveness,
that vibrancy, that vitality, that renewal.
I. EROTIC INTELLIGENCE
Where do we go in sex?
What parts of us do we connect to?
And what is it exactly that we seek to express?
Animals reproduce : it's biology, it's the natural instinct.
We are the only ones who have an erotic life, a sexuality transformed by our fantasy.
We can make love for hours, have multiple orgasms, have a blissful time,
we can even experience a very powerful thing called anticipation.
There is an erotic intelligence, something that we cultivate.
Its ingredients are novelty, curiosity, mystery, and playfulness.
But the central agent is really that piece called the imagination,
we can experience sex in our minds without it even happening.
One could say sex isn't something we do, it is a place we go,
it's a space we enter, inside ourselves and with another person.
It’s a place for transcendence and spiritual union.
for naughtiness, infantile wishes, and harmless aggression.
A place where we can be irresponsible, where we can surrender.
It is a whole language, it isn't just a behaviour.
II. DESIRE AND LOVE
Why does good sex so often fade?
What is the relationship between love and desire?
How do they conflict and relate?
Therein lies the mystery of eroticism.
Desire comes with "want" :
we want an other, a bridge to cross,
someone on the other side that we can go visit and explore.
Our interest is not kept with forgone conclusion,
we tend to not really want to go back to the places we've already gone.
Love comes with "have" :
we want to know the beloved, neutralise the tensions,
we want to be close, contract that gap, minimise the distance.
Love comes with selflessness whereas desire is more selfish.
Selfish in the best sense of the word : staying connected to one's self in the presence of another.
The ingredients that stifle desire are sometimes the very ingredients that nurture love :
mutuality, reciprocity, worry, responsibility, protection
Desire comes with another host of things :
jealousy, possessiveness, power, naughtiness, aggression, dominance, mischief
The erotic mind is not very politically correct :
we’ll often get turned on at night by the very same things we’ll demonstrate against during the day.
III. WHAT WE WANT FROM OUR PARTNERS
At the heart of sustaining desire is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs :
our need for all the anchoring grounding experiences of our lives :
security, safety, permanence, dependability, reliability.
but we have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, mystery, and risk,
for danger, the unknown, the unexpected, travel, and journey.
Reconciling these two needs into one relationship used to be a contradiction in terms.
Marriage was an economic institution,
a partnership for life including companionship, social status, succession, and children.
Now we want our partners to give us all these things and to be our best friends.
We want them to be our passionate lovers for twice the years and our trusted confidants.
We ask them to give us belonging, identity, continuity, transcendence, mystery, and awe all in one.
We want them to give us comfort, novelty, familiarity, predictability, but also edge and surprise.
We ask one person to give us what an entire village used to provide.
IV. RECONCILING TWO FUNDAMENTAL NEEDS
We are born with this need to reconcile two sets of fundamental needs :
connection and separateness
security and adventure
togetherness and autonomy
Like little kids sitting on our parents’ lap, cozily nested there, comfortable and secure,
we will at some point want to go out into the world, discover and explore.
If our partners say “the world is a great place, go for it, have fun, I’ll be here when you come back”,
we can turn away and experience connection and separateness all at the same time.
If they are worried, anxious, depressed, if they haven’t taken care of us in a while,
we won't know how to leave them in order to go discover and enter inside ourselves.
We might end up losing our freedom not to lose connection,
we might not come back or keep looking over our shoulder.
When we love in a way that is burdened with worry, responsibility, and protection,
when we wonder if they’re going to be there, if they’re going to scold us, be angry or nervous,
we spend our time in the body and the head of the other.
It is in our own body we should spend our time instead.
But we need security in order to let go, get excited, and experience pleasure.
V. THE OTHER SIDE OF DESIRE
We can understand what sustains desire by looking at the other side.
Those who experienced trauma often live tethered to the ground.
They are vigilant, worried, anxious, and insecure.
They can’t experience pleasure nor can they trust,
it is hard for them to be safe, imaginative, and playful.
There are others reasons we shut ourselves off, we turn off our desires.
We do it when we don’t like ourselves, when we feel dead inside.
When we don't like our bodies, when we feel old, when we haven't had time for ourselves.
When we haven't had a chance to check in with the other, when we didn’t perform well at work.
When we feel low self esteem, when we don't have a sense of self-worth,
when we don't feel like we have a right to want, to take, or to receive any pleasure.
But there are also things that wake us up, things that make us turn ourselves on.
There is a way to come back to life by understanding the erotic as an antidote.
VI. WHEN ARE WE MOST DRAWN TO OUR PARTNERS ?
We find ourselves most drawn to our partners when …
when we’re away, when we’re apart,
when we get back in touch, when we reunite.
When we can picture, imagine ourselves with them,
when we can root desire in longing and absence.
when we see them doing something on their own,
something they’re passionate about, when they’re in their element.
When they’re at a party, when other people are drawn to them,
when they hold court, when they’re radiant, self-sustaining, and confident.
when they’re far but still close enough,
when we’re looking at them from a comfortable distance.
When what is usually so familiar, so known,
is momentarily once again somewhat elusive, mysterious.
when we’re surprised, when we laugh together,
when there is novelty in the way they look, in the way they behave.
Novelty isn't about new positions, it isn't a repertoire of techniques,
it’s about the parts of them they bring out, the parts of them that are just being seen.
We are most drawn to them when we momentarily get a shift in perception.
In this space between us and them lies the erotic élan.
There lies that movement toward the other,
as Proust says “Mystery is about looking with new eyes, not about traveling to new places.”
In this space we don’t need each other, there is no neediness in desire.
Being wanted is one thing, being needed is a shot down.
Caretaking is mightily loving but it decreases the erotic charge.
Fire needs air, desire needs space and independence.
V. WHAT EROTIC COUPLES DO
Erotic couples create an erotic space that belongs to each of them,
a place that is way more than just about stroking and touching the other.
A space where they can enter and leave all the rest out,
where they can stop being the good citizen taking care of things, being responsible.
They understand that foreplay is part of the real thing,
and that it pretty much should start at the end of the previous sex session.
Erotic couples understand that passion waxes and wanes,
that like the moon, it has its own intermittent eclipses.
They know how to resurrect passion, how to bring it back,
the myth of spontaneity has been demystified.
Passion isn’t just going to fall from heaven,
committed sex is premeditated, it's wilful and intentional, it's focus and presence.
by : antιdrastιc element
based on : Esther Perel’s TED talk
The secret to desire in a long-term relationship
photo credιt : ted.com
image credιt : seeking, clipart-library
Thanks for reading!
